Breathe and love
Listen for Love’s message
In all the spoken
In all the unspoken
In all that is seen
In all that is not seen
In all that is felt
In all that is not felt
In all that is sensed
And know there is more
This is you
You are perfect
You were perfect
They were perfect too
You came with a Message
You Live out your Message
Your Message is a part of the dance
We speak with the heart
We speak with full voice
>We speak with every cell of our body
And with every cell we listen
Energy exists and serves His Will
Balance energy and every part of you serves
Generate energy and the message is heard
Conserve energy and the message remains pure
Letting go of the third of the ‘Three Poisons’ - Delusion
Owning our part of the dance...then, seeing ourselves and others more clearly!
A third, and a most enduring form of attachment, is called delusion. Delusion in this context does not refer to a symptom of a medical disorder like schizophrenia. In place of experiencing a particular life event with clarity we make the conscious/unconscious decision to turn away from clarity and decide to create a ‘fixed false belief’ which we default to each time this pain and content come up.
For instance, we struggle at work... “It’s because the boss is unfair”. Now, he may very well not always be fair, but with this immediate default we are left in the victim mode with nothing to do but suffer and make others around us suffer. “I’ll show them! I’ll let some parts go by without checking them and make it look like their fault!”
Or, “My spouse never lets me do what I want. There is something wrong with them and I’ll never win! I’ll just do what I want and when they get angry, I’ll blame them for getting angry! I’ll make sure others see this so everyone will side with me!” (Many times this conversation happens in that fuzzy place between conscious and unconscious mind that seemingly allows for plausible deniability, even from ourselves!)
Often, there comes a time in therapy when we may begin to suspect, that there just might be occasions when…under a lot of stress, mind you!...that way we have been thinking about ourselves and others has been...ok...let’s say it...’wrong’...maybe...just a little bit!
We may have come to therapy believing someone or something in our life was being terrible, only to find out that we...just might...have a little bit to do with how badly things have been going. Worse yet, some aspects of what has been going on...just might...be entirely our fault.
It can be terribly embarrassing but, it can be empowering! Instead of playing the game, ‘Who’s the biggest victim’, we can say what we mean and mean what we say…with all of the love, honesty and compassion that we can generate. This approach usually has us appear in a victim role. In this role can allow us plenty of room to strike out in what would otherwise be seen as unfair. It also can give us the right to give up, ‘What’s the use, I can’t win anyway’ (The Eeyore approach from Winnie The Pooh!) Lastly, it is used to project a point of view that is distorted. Often, we spend much of our lives proving to others that this distorted view of ours is real. While aspects of it may be true, often the way we put it all together allows for some pretty damaging outcomes for everyone involved. This is delusion.
In all of this controversy, ‘The more the merrier’, allows us to not even think about the original issue.
- The issue between my boss and I.
- The issue between my spouse and I.
Unfortunately, there seems to be little correlation between and amount of pain we are avoiding and the amount of pain we are creating with our distortions. We are not really connected to the distortions; we’re just blinding accepting the validity of our distorted point of view. That this point of view causes we and others an enormous amount of pain doesn’t register. We might say, “I’m just telling you how I feel.” Or, “I’m just saying.”
Often, it is not a question of right or wrong. We may say something that is right…in the wrong way, at the wrong time...again, we may say, “I’m just telling you how I feel!” But as we all know, relationships are a little more complicated than this. There are general ‘rules to the game’ and specific rules that any two people have established that provide the comfort and safety each feels when discussing anything serious. Much of marital therapy has us accentuate these agreements such as the ‘dialoging’ discussed by Harville Hendrix, PhD in he and his wife Helen’s book, Getting the Love You Want. When we ignore these rules or are just unaware of them we deliver a clear but possibly unintended message saying, “You are no longer safe in this discussion. The rules have changed and I alone have changed them.”
If Oneness and Compassion are the game, then this is likely not the message we want to give! And yet, each of us in our own way, in certain situations, with certain people, do this.
The Solution to Delusion
Sounds pretty ugly, so what do we do? We can choose grow and contribute at the highest levels or we can settle. We can choose to be on our authentic path, or we can muddle through. We may be able to convince some around us that ‘we are right’. Often, we will make this choice ‘for someone else’ and makes it feel and sound noble. "If it were not for...I would consider this more." "I just don’t have the time." Or, "I just can’t risk...," or, "I just can’t think about it anymore," or "I’ve told too many people this and I can’t take it back now.”
There are many reasons not to grow and eliminate delusion. It takes courage. It takes commitment. There must be trust in the path of Love and trust.
What we can’t do is have it both ways e.g. stay where we are and experience a relationship that encourages personal and mutual growth.
Often, when battling in a relationship, we tell ourselves that we will work on all of this...later. As we have learned in the last several articles, we are always practicing. So, we with this approach we are practicing justifying procrastination. If, after a period of procrastination we eventually begin working on ourselves, what we practiced was...it’s ok to be ‘nice’ when a relationship seems to be going well but, when there’s trouble...'we’ll go back to ol’ reliable, procrastination!’ Another option that may be going on is that we just are not practiced in being ‘nicely honest’ in conflictual times. We wish we were more verbal but either don’t have the words or strategies that have thus far proven effective. In this case, the time is now to find a coach and begin! We know one place where the rubber meets the road and let’s get some traction!
Thankfully, it takes two to tango in any relationship and rarely is anything really so one sided. But at times it is. Often, the more we know we have nothing to do with a problem, the more we end up being the one upon whose decision all consequences hang...no matter how hard we try to pin it on someone else.