You finally found each other! You love each other and enjoy showing compassion for each other by giving to one another and helping each other with even very small things. As time goes by your two separate lives become molded into a new family. Then, inexplicably, things start to fall apart. Decisions aren’t working as someone keeps “dropping the ball” on promises that were made. You may try to deny it, but you feel overwhelmed.
You’re trying so hard but increasingly, anything you ask for, everything you really need now seems impossible for no apparent reason. You may still love each other but many other feelings are beginning to show up as well. This can happen in any relationship, but it is a particularly well-worn path for those with ADHD. Let’s dig in, figure this out and find solutions that work!
ADHD Relationship Tendencies
Let’s review a few ADHD relationship tendencies:
You are likely attracted to others with ADHD, although they may express their symptoms very differently.
For example, one person may be very social while the other may tend to be more reserved. This often has one person thinking that they couldn’t possibly have ADHD which establishes that “you have the problem” and further confuses the relationship.
You both will likely have specialty areas of hyper focus where you are passionate and extremely effective.
Just as likely, this effectiveness drops off like a stone when asked to do something you don’t care for.
When you try to do a task you don’t care for, doing it with someone you like makes it much easier.
As discussed in the Heal in Oneness video course, you will tend to “borrow RAM” from each other.
Until you run into a personal limitation, it is nearly impossible to predict what you will or will not be able to do.
For example, the best salesmen in a company would likely hate a job in management. The “normal” road for advancement often doesn’t work for a person with ADHD.
You found ways to make it work.
It took years as a single person, but you finally found a way to live, a career you love, friendships that work, and automated habits that allow you to care for yourself and keep your place relatively clean.
You found ways to stimulate action.
You may have found waiting until the last second stimulates you. On the other hand, you may have found stimulation by becoming obsessive. You may have found the energy of a life passion helps or you may have found the pleasure of simply getting by. And these motivators are extremely difficult to change.
ADHD Relationship Patterns
Now, let’s look at how these patterns play out when you find your precious one, marry and begin your family.
Your mutual passion for each other creates an energy that changes personal possibilities for you both.
Potential personal effectiveness is increased in nearly every aspect of your lives.
Moving the center line of your effectiveness doesn’t change the fact that your abilities with still drop off like a stone at some point.
You are starting over and must “feel your way along” until you run into and learn your new natural limitations.
In other words, just like days gone by, when you promised to hand in your homework, you are going to make a lot of promises you can’t keep.
Critical negotiated promises that allow your plans to work will be forgotten, sabotaging your effectiveness as a functional couple. It will feel like the two of you can’t follow through on your decisions and that will hurt. When asked why, answers will be the same as when you were young, “I don’t know”. That often doesn’t go over very well.
If either of you compromises a life passion or a life structure for the relationship, your whole way of understanding and dealing with life can fall apart.
Suddenly, one or both of you becomes chronically overwhelmed. In this state, you will struggle to get out of bed in the morning and to do anything else productive. Addictive time with computer games or hiding away in the garage, become the new way of life.
Although you can see that you love each other, practice doesn’t make perfect, it makes permanent.
The practice of failed decision-making reinforces the thought that, “This relationship doesn’t work” and “You must not really love me”. These feeling can seem insurmountable unless you clear the mist and understand the real issues.
Finding a Way for Authentic Love to Grow
The fun part is that none of your fears are really true. The love is there, it is just looking for an authentic way for the two of you to make decisions. There is passion, but it must be allowed to be and to grow. Here are a few suggestions:
Don’t give up your passions or your way of stimulating yourself.
These took a long time to learn and develop and can fall away quickly if let go.
Don’t give up your friendships.
This may have taken years to develop and help you to practice and your passions in multiple venues.
Either structure up home chores or hire a maid.
Daily boring chores can quickly become a drain on the loving energy of the home.
Instead of trying to help each other, allow yourselves to maintain your hard-fought competencies.
Rather than helping each other, look to be with each other in effective ways.
Make life decisions your way.
Reach to grow your passions rather than following the crowd. An advancement in the eyes of one person is a stumbling block for another.
Outside your passions, keep life simple.
A simple life leaves room to deal with unforeseen stresses and obstacles.
Develop a way of sharing your faith.
This will allow you a deeper love and mutual understanding. A common faith life allows you to better organize your thoughts. Communication becomes easier with greater expectations of success.
For more on ADHD and the intimate relationship go to my video course, Heal in Oneness.