The journey of your path to intimacy continues even when you are not actively involved in a relationship. Your mind is constantly practicing - adding new information with every smile or even a glance from another. You may have felt devastated at times and thought, “That’s it! Intimacy is just too risky and painful!” And it can truly be both risky and painful at times. Things didn’t work so you asked yourself, “Why even think about it?!” What if this is your mind’s way of unleashing your highest mind? What if this “call for help” came with an expectation of an answer? What if you could optimize this internal conversation, understand it and find authentic answers more quickly? Interested?...Then read on!
How Subconscious Mind Stores Information
Your Subconscious Mind stores every experience of your life. It has done so since before you were born. It likes to store information in a way that it is easily retrieved. The best way it stores information is in the form of stories. Let’s test this hypothesis.
Imagine if for 90 minutes you listened to someone read a boring list of facts. It might go something like this: “The Earth weighs this much. Christopher Columbus liked to play cards. The rain in Spain lies mainly across the plain.” Now imagine trying to respond to specific questions like which fact was stated first or how were unrelated facts presented differently.
Now imagine that you watched the movie, “Pretty Woman”. After watching the movie again you were asked to remember, “How was each character different?" Or, "Who got the girl?” Your mind will much more easily remember the movie rather than the list of facts. Another interesting tidbit is that your Subconscious Mind will also remember more if something feels particularly good or bad. So your Subconscious Mind remembers your different streams of relationships in the form of stories and it really likes to remember the fun and the scary parts!
Building Intimacy: Conscious vs Subconscious Mind
You may not think about the words “Subconscious Mind” very much. You are, however, optimizing its beneficial effects in your life. It learns faster if the information to be mastered benefits any relationship in your life. The more the benefits, the more “hooks” it will be able to use to gobble up the information and lay it down in a way that allows the information to be used efficiently. Remembering a movie that reminded you of your previous intimate relationship may be very easy. Especially the parts that might help you understand what was going on. The right movie might even create a few “aha” moments. The more interesting the movie, the more you “got lost in it,” and the more likely you may be to incorporate its views on relationships in your own life. The Subconscious Mind is working constantly, even while we sleep. Sometimes you may remember something in the movie, even days later, that you didn’t catch earlier. Your Subconscious Mind had been working with it the entire time.
Let’s run this experiment one more time. Let’s imagine you are going to watch a great movie but this time you can’t pay attention to the movie because you are angrily going over something someone told you in the past. Your mind goes over and over “that last conversation” as it has so many times before. If you notice the movie at all you will likely notice the parts of the movie that affirm your pain. The parts that could have provided your “aha moment” are often not noticed or may even seem ridiculous. Your Conscious Mind is looking at the relationship and is maintaining underlying assumptions like, “What he said was ridiculous!” This prevents you from building intimacy. Until you let go of these assumptions, you will likely only see what pre-framing these details in this way will allow. Let me offer this video as a demonstration of just how our presumptions can limit us.
When we consciously keep the focus of our attention on something, it is difficult to let go of the presumption that comes with what we are remembering. Another example of our Conscious Mind getting in the way would be when you look at a glass of water filled to the brim as you walk across the room. When you looking away from the glass of water as you walk across the room your Subconscious Mind takes over. It gives you abilities you may not have known known that you have… and you’ll spill less water!
Building Intimacy: The Role of Subconscious Mind
Your Subconscious Mind has the complete record of your intimate life. Building intimacy begins there. It began when you were very young and continues to this day. It remembers everything and puts together information in a greatly expanded way. There will still be presumptions, but they are much more open to incorporating new ideas or looking at something in a new way. How many times have you listened to someone’s point of view, rejected it and yet later the discussion pops into your mind and you find that you have changed your mind?
Your intimate story will continue, whether you are with someone or not. Your Subconscious Mind is always looking for ways to keep building intimacy. As you go through a challenging time in an intimate relationship try the practice of “walking with the question.” You may sense that there is more going on than meets the eye in an argument you are having. Find a way to set the question down for a time. Then revisit the question some time later. You will often find that you have come up with an answer ... Subconsciously!
The Oneness Approach is all about learning how to make your Conscious and Subconscious Mind work together harmoniously. I invite you to find Oneness within and share it with your intimate partner if you are currently in a relationship. Sign up today for a Oneness Student Membership to discover and refine your own inner strengths, strengths that will help you improve all of your relationships.