Why Does This Always Happen?
You just had an argument - again. You wonder, "Are we ever going to be able to stop arguing? Why does this always happen?" You do everything to love them and at the worst possible time they do it again! You both say a few unkind words, but you catch yourself…stop…and walk away again. You are so angry! You review each part of the argument over and over. Each time you do, you find even more reasons to doubt them and say to yourself, "They say they love me but, how can they love me and treat me this way over and over again?" And then you start over and review each part of the argument again.
Does this sound familiar? If it doesn’t, fantastic! But, there will be a time in the future when it will! We all have times when we are tired or are surprised and upset about something your special someone said. Given we are creatures of habit these miscommunications usually take on a certain flavor and timing and use words that, over time, can wear you down. Let’s look into the anatomy of recurrent disagreements so that you can either find your answers to stop arguing or build resilience in the face of this kind of stress.
Stop Arguing by Searching for the Cause
Often, this type of disagreement has more to do with perceptual differences than anything you might truly disagree about. As you continue the disagreement it generally breaks down into something like, "But I heard you say that…" Your lover then responds with something like, "No, first you said…." When this happens, realizing that the substance of the discussion has nothing to do with anything that either of you really disagree about - or at least not very much - can help you to stop arguing!
However, these disagreements are disagreements about something and can lead to real trouble. Since no one has a recording of how the disagreement started you are often forced to acquiesce, agree to disagree or simply leave - angry! This last decision is particularly dangerous. This is not the way to stop arguing because the argument continues, but outside the presence of your loved one. There is nothing and no one to keep your thoughts from spinning out of control.
Often, the problem in these types of arguments is that you’ve caught each other when one or the other is tired, for example, late at night, just coming home from work, just waking up or after doing anything for a prolonged period of time, even if you like it. You may catch your loved one in transition (e.g. they were thinking or doing something and you ask them about something else). The brain takes at least four seconds to readjust to a new type of discussion. They miss the first few words and the disagreement is on.
Then there is just the simple fact that we each tend to think differently. Men and women notoriously discuss matters differently. The truth is that we all have significant differences in the way our brains work and these differences really show up in the intimate relationship. This relationship is simply deeper and includes many more types of information than most.
These differences are greatly expanded if one or both of you are depressed, anxious or have ADHD. It is true that we often attract people who have similar wiring. For example, if one member of a couple has ADHD the other likely has it too. What is also true is that everyone with ADHD and anything else handles these tendencies differently. Moreover, each of these conditions are examples of the tendency for our Conscious and Subconscious Minds to unalign in specific unique unpredictable ways.
Soooooo, what’s a couple to do?
Seven Ways to Stop Arguing
- Realize that we all get into these kinds of arguments and agree to the following recommendations beforehand.
- If possible, allow a nonverbal que like “pulling on your left earlobe” when one or the other suggests you both take a timeout.
- As soon as you recognize that you are in a he said/she said argument, stop, and agree to talk about it later.
- Most importantly agree not to ruminate on the argument as this will only create greater anger and confusion. Let the “time out” serve as a time out.
- Do a post and look for commonalities with other times you have had similar disagreements. It is timing? Is it a certain content? What would explain why two people who love each other would get into such an argument?
- During a post, keep the flavor of open and fun like the questioning of a Sherlock Holmes. Avoid the flavor of setting up the other person like Lieutenant Columbo!
- In the end, agree to enjoy and accommodate for your differences! Believe it or not, if you were in relationship with someone exactly like yourself, you would still get into these types of disagreements!
The Oneness Approach helps you build resilience against such disagreements and provides tools to deal with them when they do. Join a mentoring video memberships and find out for yourself!