Here you go again, another argument! They press and press and press until finally you give in… again. You understand their point of view (maybe) but you sense that you and your family need something different. When you give in, you feel another little piece of you die inside. You feel your spouse dominating you. You feel you are “being backed a little closer to the edge of a cliff” and you’re not even sure what that means. Let’s break this down using the Oneness Approach and Christian theology to look for the opportunities!
Listen to the Subconscious Mind
Your subconscious mind has a way of letting you know when something really wrong. Your fight, flight or flee warning system declares an emergency. This warning system can’t reach deep enough into your subconscious mind completely assess the situation - but if a bear is approaching, it is getting you ready to run! So, let’s take a deep breath (in two seconds, out four or more) and feel into what the Holy Spirit is trying to tell you.
As you get in touch with your spiritual essence you will often begin to see things more clearly. The feeling of “being backed closer to a cliff” may be secondary to problems in another relationship.
- In your relationship with God. Your life may be out of balance. You may not be taking enough care of yourself. You may not be getting enough sleep, exercise, or nutrition. This can be a sign of the beginning of an illness like depression, diabetes or a thyroid problem
- You may be struggling at work or feeling at the end of your rope with the children, your boss or co-workers. These feelings may simply be breaking through at home because you don’t have the strength to be fully present with your spouse e.g. “I have to be able to express how I really feel somewhere!” (Not real successful.)
- You may be struggling with other life changes, the death of parents, struggles with extended family members or disappointments with friends.
One thing is sure. Something is wrong and it needs to be addressed. Discuss these feelings with your spouse at a time that you both feel you can talk freely. They likely already sense that some is going on. This is not an effort to induce blame. It is a desire to communicate clearly with the one you love for their understanding, help and love. Holding onto such potentially “directionless warnings” often leads to growing presumptions that your spouse doesn’t care about or love you. This allows the intrusion of many other forms of addictive thoughts.
The Importance of Talking About the Problem
Consider all the relationships of your life. This is important to both of you, not to mention everyone else in your life. This also is a wonderful exercise in “being there” for each other. You may resist this conversation for several reasons:
1. You may not be “the type” to ask for help.
- All the more reason to take this opportunity to practice. Learning how to ask for help grows the best part of your brain making you and your partner stronger and wiser.
- Asking for help creates balance, trust and validation in your relationship. Acting like you don’t need anyone can feel heady but creates brittle “plastic” relationships that aren’t there when you need them.
2. You may already feel that the other person doesn’t care or may become defensive and angry.
- All the more reason to take advantage of the situation and practice talking about how you feel. This is a spiritual call.
- If the two of you are struggling, take advantage of this awareness and talk with someone who can help you. This is a vital skill for any marriage and is part of the call “to love one another”. John 13:34.
3. You may already be planning “your escape” from the marriage.
- Even more reason talk about how you are really feeling rather than simply becoming angry. If you haven’t yet been totally honest with your partner you will likely be surprised by their response - in a good way!
- Again, seek out someone to counsel both of you. Counseling one person doesn’t have the necessary information for transformative change. Take advantage of all of your resources. If you are feeling resistance to reaching out, this is your subconscious mind telling you that there is something else going on that needs brought to the light.
Grow Your Relationship Away from Spouse Dominating
If the two of you decide that your relationship needs help, expect to discover opportunities to learn more about yourself and each other and grow your love! All of us make assumptions early in our lives that seem reasonable at the time but now are in desperate need of updating. Here are a few:
1. I am to “submit to my husband” in significant family decisions. Ephesians 5:22
Here submitting means to let go of simple human wants and needs and reach deeper for what the Holy Spirit wants for everyone involved. Then communicate what you discover with your husband. This victim stance denies your connection to God and all He wants to offer you and your partner. This requires full integration of your conscious and subconscious mind and is how the Holy Spirit works.
2. I am to “give myself up” for my wife. Ephesians 5:25
Again, this means letting go of simple human wants and needs while reaching deeper for all this decision means to everyone involved including you. Don’t play God and forget about your own needs. It doesn’t work for you or for your partner.
3. To simply “submit” or “give yourself up” avoids fully considering all of the options God wants for you.
Failing to learn how to communicate what the holy Spirit shares with you invites disaster. This is one of the most common reasons for divorce today. Even worse, this kind of decision-making sounds noble and Biblical making it difficult to ever discover and correct.
4. Learn to “walk with questions”. Talk about the potential answers over several weeks or months if possible.
This allows plenty of time (God’s time) to fully integrate all available information. The subconscious mind has a physical component and takes time to grow and coalesce.
5. Reach out
There are usually people available to you who may have experience in such decisions. Learning to trust the Holy Spirit with such feelings helps each of you grow, so does learning how and when to reach out to others. Eventually, your children will also notice and follow your lead.
6. “Where two or more are gathered, in my name, there I am with them” Matthew 18:20
This is a promise you can trust. When you love each other, mirror neurons dominate! When you disagree, look for the hidden opportunities! God’s promise clears out the potential for new and old addictive thought patterns and allows you to discover new avenues of your love!
To learn more about cultivating and growing successful relationships, sign up risk-free for the Oneness Approach Grow in Oneness course.