kissing-couple-sunset-smallYou’ve been so careful this time, but here you are again, in a relationship that’s turned into a nightmare. In the beginning, you were “all that.” Now you are treated like stale leftovers-- and that’s on a good day!

This isn’t unusual, and you are not “unlucky with love.” Often, the way we choose friends, intimate partners, colleagues or mentors carries something from our past that confuses us. It may also confuse those we choose to be with. The good news is that the more this sounds like you, the more you can do about it.

Giving and Hurting

When you look to begin a relationship, you look for your match. When it doesn’t work, it may feel that one or the other of you is “the bad one.”

Closer to the truth is that you simply are not a match. When this is true, you are not able to read each other’s needs. This ‘misread’ is likely what led you to get involved with them in the first place-- the old saying is here until now because it’s true: opposites attract.

But here comes the downsides. When you can’t meet the other person’s needs, they become less able to meet yours, or vice versa. It won’t make sense to you, because at first you did well providing for each other’s needs. Now, they begin acting like it’s a chore.

You want it to work so you convince yourself that you can sacrifice your needs…but you can’t. This only breeds resentment. The result? You become less and less able to meet their needs and this vicious circle continues on its downward spiral.

Eventually you feel like you’re the only one giving all you can, and they increasingly seem to not care to give back, to let you know they love you. When you reach this point, the clock is ticking on the relationship. Anger and frustration and feelings of emptiness take over... and it soon gets ugly.

Lack of Loveluck Debunked

If this sounds a little too painfully familiar, let’s go over a few explanations and suggestions that may help.

  1. There is likely an unmet relationship need from childhood that you are trying to fill. It likely comes from your unmet desire for love from one or both of your parents.
  2. Knowing this can help. Working on your loving relationship with your Spiritual Source can answer this need.
  3. Knowing the feeling you were missing, from one or both of your parents, will help you discern confusing attractions to others. When a relationship creates this feeling in you, it can be blinding. It can feel like the love you’ve been waiting for. In a way it is. But, unfortunately, no one on this earth can meet this need and eventually you both will be disappointed.
  4. Decide to love the little boy or girl who was and still is you. Decide to see yourself in a way that allows you to be perfect today… and a little more perfect tomorrow. Decide, existentially, who you are and feel into this every day.
  5. Grow your relationships from this full, rich place where you have made yourself whole, without needing someone else to ‘fix’ you. Notice how differently these relationships flow. Notice how you feel about the other person and how they feel about you.
  6. Compare now: how does this differ from your past relationships? Those old feelings will still be with you and will still be seductive, but you now know where they lead.
  7. When in a relationship that seems difficult, recognize the difference between the these different kinds of love. When you do, you’ll find that you and your partner can move on to a deeper relationship that you both desire.

 

Know Yourself and Love Yourself First

Take time to reach into why you feel you are on this earth: your purpose You have the right to define yourself in this way.

Your worldview is your “love”, and your “Higher Power” is your “Spiritual Source.” As soon as you decide on these two, you will feel into and work with your life journey.

Discover and decide who you are. As you feel your internal “Oneness” with your beliefs, you will look into others and experience their Oneness.

And this time, you are truly ready for a relationship with all the enduring depth that you mutually desire. Your needs will be their needs. You will support each other’s desires. Decisions will neither be your choice or their choice… but a union of one choice, one goal, one life.

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