Your intimate relationship is the ultimate exploration of your Oneness with your Spiritual Source while on this earth. It includes all the elements necessary to offer you the greatest opportunities, the most difficult challenges, the most enduring stresses and the sweetest eyes to gaze into as you close them for the last time.
The Root of Relationship Issues
Your Subconscious Mind is naturally attracted to someone who can help you find the answers to your deepest questions. Each of these questions represent some partially integrated question from your past that at some point overwhelmed you. For example, you may have suffered from ADHD in elementary school. Given the lack of Conscious/Subconscious integration you may have fallen into one of the easier ways to express yourself. You may have chosen the “Class Clown” or “Quiet/Shy” approach. Each of these approaches lacks the fullness of expression necessary to enjoy the full range of your strengths at times causing confusion and overwhelm.
When a person with the class clown approach runs into situations where this doesn’t work… he or she has nowhere to go. They don’t have a more serious way to express themselves. They feel silly, exposed and overwhelmed. When a person with the quiet/shy approach is confronted… other than being nice… they have nowhere to go. Frequently they are the target of bullies, particularly in intimate relationships. Whatever the issues were when you were young you were left with a lifetime of confused and confusing ways you dealt with life. As these are stored subconsciously, most you will not be aware of. Worse than that you will tend to blame others when you find yourself unable cope with these situations.
Now let’s look at your intimate relationship. When the relationship has “it” you will tend to see a person’s ultimate potential. You will tend to either be blind to or at least overlook the issues that may be very plain to others. This ability to see “who a person really is” is extremely attractive, reassuring and even guiding. You will each find that in each other's presence you can do more, be more and express more than with others. All of this, of course, will tend to blind you both to each other’s issues.
How Intimate Relationships Change Over Time
As the relationship deepens it will tend to include many more of the day-to-day stresses that we are all exposed to. As time passes the mental weight of the relationship grows. It’s not so much that we “get used to each other” it’s more that the relationship has become more like a Mack Truck than the sports car it used to be. As more time passes, it begins to take on the mental weight of other family relationships you have, explaining why we so frequently treat our intimate partner the same way we treat one or both of our parents.
Now the stage is set for the confusion and frustrations of your youth to appear. When your Subconscious Mind runs into a situation similar to one in the past it will provide the same feelings as it did in the past. The feelings won’t be pleasant. It usually runs something like; anger/irritability, anxiousness, running to some addiction all culminating into self-blame or blame of your intimate partner. These relationship issues usually start gently but as time passes they often become quite evident.
You will likely recognize this when it happens to your intimate partner. You likely will not recognize this when it happens to you. You will likely feel that whatever is going on is their fault. If you do blame yourself you will likely say something like, “I don’t know why I always do this.” And, consciously you will be telling the truth! This is all to be expected. I doubt anyone was able to convince you that this “relationship made in heaven” could evolve this way but, it usually does.
Recognize and Deal with Relationship Issues
Knowing that this is one of the purposes of the relationship can be extremely helpful. If you know that you will be at least partially blind to your relationship issues, it can help you both find them earlier. You can even prepare for when it happens by talking to other couples, going on marital retreats and developing habits that allow early recognition of these issues.
One such habit is doing a “post” after an event where you both discuss how the event could have gone even better than it did. You can also use this when anytime in your life seems to be causing you both some difficulty. For example, when one of you first comes home tired and irritable and things don’t go well. Expecting challenges like these and preparing for a way to talk about them will help you avoid the most challenging of relationship issues any couple faces - not talking about it.
When you don’t recognize the problem or have not developed a way to talk about it, the problem becomes entrenched. What this really means is that the issue from the past is allowed time to more fully express. It becomes more inclusive of all of the ways it will defend its position. You will often feel like you are yet again being abused “just like you were in the past.” And you know what comes next... “I thought you knew me. I thought you loved me. I thought you were different” and on and on and on.
Using Relationship Issues to Grow
So we all must realize this pattern. With our divorce rates as high as they are, you might guess there are reasons why these relationships “made in heaven” end up in the other place. So let’s end with a few points:
- You are able to see the “authentic person” when you first meet.
- You will not be able to see each others issues as clearly.
- Before you get into the “trance” of the relationship you may have some ability to see some of the issues. This is a good time to talk to good friends about what they see. Likely though, you won’t listen!
- Know that every single relationship is made to help you grow and refine your authentic skills. You will expose more of yourself to this person than to anyone else in your life. Please do. Otherwise...what is it all about anyway?
- Early in the relationship develop friendships with other couples so you can all grow together. Every generation the issues look a bit different. They will likely express their relationship issues in somewhat of a similar way as you both will.
- Do a couple of relationship or couples weekend retreats. Pick up skills like doing “posts”. These habits will help you look for rather than fall into this issues. Finding them when they are small allows you to laugh at them. Allow them to grow…and nobody will be laughing.
- Most of all expect it. More than that, demand that the other person share with you any time they feel you are “being that way”. Demand may sound a little harsh but I have found that many people are uncomfortable bringing up these concerns. They are afraid of hurting your feelings, “rocking the boat” or “losing the magic”. This is a part of the magic. No one else can tell you that your zipper is unzipped. And, no one else can let you know that there is an amazing opportunity to resolve some old issue and let it go!
You can learn more ways to transform problems into opportunities and create inspiring relationships by signing up for a Oneness Membership today. The Oneness Membership will help you to unleash the strength of your Subconscious Mind and discover strengths that will help you improve your relationships with your friends, workmates, family and intimate partner.