There are feelings of shame, then there are feelings of self-hate. Feelings of shame lead to shrinking back in fear. Feelings of self-hate lead to aggressive self-punishment. Both are an emergent call from your subconscious mind to “come home”. Both are states of conscious/subconscious unalignment where emotional blocks won’t allow you to hear your inner voice or feel the love God offers.
The Self-Hate Dilemma
It may seem strange that anyone could love you when you feel this way. In shame, you may shrink back in anxious disbelief if someone tries. In self-hate, this may elicit feelings that lead to self-harm. How can they love you? A healthy person loves you because they don’t have the same emotional blocks. They can feel into the subconscious resources. This doesn’t mean they are perfect. It simply means that the two of you don’t share the same degree of these issues, which is a good thing! Through mirror neurons they can feel past your emotional blocks to sense the authentic you. Often, they will say something like, “What do you mean? You are a great person!” This, at least at times, can leave you feeling either anxious or mad.
This isn’t crazy although you may feel that way sometimes. This is the dilemma. The deepest part of you is begging for the love you can’t feel for yourself. Meanwhile, when someone does love you, you likely respond with either anxiety or anger. How are you or they supposed to work with this?
The Path to Healing
First, you may have a strange attraction to those who have similar blocks to their subconscious resources. You may notice that both of you suffer mood swings. These may get bad enough to lead to abuse. These emotionally chaotic relationships can be emotionally difficult to leave. Although you aren’t getting the healthy love you need, you may feel you are getting and giving the abuse that you or they deserve.
No one deserves to be abused. Learn to read this kind of attraction, the look in their eyes, their chaotic lifestyle and past relationships and learn to avoid them and places where they hang out. Yes, these are the “bad boys” or “bad girls”. Better said, these are people who haven’t yet learned how to love themselves.
Second, if you find yourself in such a relationship reach out immediately for help. A psychologist or psychiatrist will need to be experienced in such relationships to help you understand and work through your feelings.
Third, when you are in a relative healthy relationship, work to believe them as you search for ways to clear the mist of self-doubt. You will break through your emotional blocks to experience the authentic love you bring to the earth. Again, reach out for help. These relationships are very confusing. Once you learn about them, your efforts and your results will slowly become more predictable.
This will allow you both to deeply express your love for each other while not inducing shame nor self-hate. This will be relieving to you both and the path to your healing will create great loyalty and mutual compassion. Underneath all feelings that these blocks create is a natural desire to be loved. These feelings connect you to your inner wisdom, your Spirituality. The healthy person who loves really does love you and breakthroughs are good for you both.
The therapies that seem best suited to relieve such blocks include various mindfulness therapies and well as Dialectical Behavioral therapy (DBT). Medications can be helpful, but certain kinds of medications can potentially make things worse. Again, seek out clinicians who have the experience to help you, and help you safely.
Call to Action
Listen in to my podcasts on mindfulness and hear from a variety of experts who may be able to help.