When We are Unaligned with Our True Purpose
How can you know what tends to be difficult for you...whether your thinking is aligned or not. While awake you usually believe you are right. You also feel you have the right to feel any way you want to. More than this you feel you have the right to treat others according to how you feel about them. This all makes sense when your Conscious and Subconscious Minds are aligned but… not so much when you are not. So how can we tell when we are unaligned with our true purpose?
First, the aligned state generally feels somewhat different from the unaligned state. This is a major role for our meditation and prayer practices. In these practices you literally learn “the feel” of your body when you are in certain mental states. Knowing this helps you remain in a “Mindful” or “Prayerful” state. These practices also help you return to a mindful state when you discover you are angry. Again, Judgmentalness is the most difficult state to recognize. This state is generally “well defended” by previous episodes of judgement that may extend back to childhood. “Mindfulness therapy” is used by many therapists to uncover each of these types of unalignment as Dr. Gail Brenner discussed in our podcast together.
Where Your Struggles Come From
Conflict is an unaligned way of working out differences. Present day conflict frequently plays off of conflicts from our childhood. When you were young you often depended on your parents for grounding your alignment. Even when you disagreed with your parents... you generally learned how to disagree with them... from them. Knowing this can help you get at least an idea of where you may run into trouble. Where did your father struggle? Where did your mother struggle? These are areas you may struggle with ad well. The parent whose personality you most share is also likely to have “passed down” their points of views and struggles. The parent whose love you desired most also will have created within you tendencies to unalign during specific types of stresses.
What if your parents divorced? Often this was due to a struggle that neither one of them could resolve. This led not only to personal unalignment but eventually to relationship unalignment. They couldn’t come up with an answer to their struggle. Caring for children during divorce can then become extremely difficult. Often these unresolved disagreements leave the children "in the middle" with similar struggles. These struggles are made worse when parents openly include the children in their struggles.
Caring for Children During Divorce
Below is a list of tendencies to avoid to help children make it through a divorce without adopting either parent’s struggle. Although it can be difficult, you will need to give priority to caring for children during divorce... they are the most vulnerable. Above all else, love them, keep them safe, with the shared goal of allowing and encouraging your children to actively love both of you now and in the future:
- Avoid less than positive ways of characterizing the general nature of the other parent. During a divorce, our ability to maintain a balanced view is often compromised. The very fact that there is need for a divorce speaks to the difficulty in maintaining a common view and approach.
- Avoid inducing intense closeness with the children due to loneliness. Reach out for support and allow the children to see the support you have. Make plans with your supports when the children are with the other parent. Allow the children to know you are and will be OK.
- Avoid inducing sympathy from the children by playing the victim role, over indulgence or predictions of negative outcomes with the other parent. This will be a difficult time for everyone. Each member of the family will need to make countless adjustments. In our humanness, we generally tend to feel our pain and discount the pain of the other.
- Avoid inducing fear of staying with and spending time with the other parent. Avoid interrupting the other parent’s time with the children by frequently calling or encouraging calls from the children. Avoid planning activities during the other parent’s time. Avoid any type of conflict with the other parent in front of the children, particularly during transitions of care.
- Avoid keeping the child away from those with positive feelings toward the other parent. Avoid not telling the other parent about or keeping the other parent from significant activities, ceremonies, etc.
- Avoid enlisting others with a negative attitude towards the other parent to spend time with the children. Ask everyone involved with the children to avoid any negative talk about either of you.
- Avoid creating a partnership with the children that encourages the children’s "right to reject" the other parent.
There is much more emphasis on how to raise our children well in our mentoring programs. Please consider joining our Students of Oneness video series.